


scribbled wishes

by kctsudon



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 02:33:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3793411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kctsudon/pseuds/kctsudon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which Jinhwan's favourite time of the year is arriving, and he's about to spend his christmas wish on this boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	scribbled wishes

Jinhwan paused at the doorway, peering at the boy’s hunched frame as he crouched over a book in the corner of the room. With careful steps, he made his way towards the boy and stopped in front of the bed. He glanced over at the wrapped notebook on the boy’s lap as the patient peeled at the plastic wrapping eagerly. 

“Its Christmas, was that your present?” He spoke cautiously, his words flowing through the space between the two of them as he rubbed his hands together, the heater was not working well. As he glanced at the boy’s hands, he noticed the veins protruding along his forearm as he pulled his sleeve up to his elbows. Jinhwan recalled the apprehension in his family’s eyes when they rushed into the hospital that day, sweat drops forming against their similarly pale skin. The boy had been lying limp against the father’s shoulder as the elder male appeared to be slightly flustered. They had helped him to rest on one of the chairs along the corridors as they explained that their son had been having the same nightmare repeatedly for a month and had begun to see things. These dreams were often somewhat lucid and mostly left him mentally and physically drained. Jinhwan’s first reaction was to frown, and these creases only served to deepen at the revelation that he could see lines on the ground, causing him some issues when he found them connecting him to different people. It was entirely different from the concept of the red string of fate that Jinhwan had heard of, because it changed from time to time. It wasn’t just a fixed string connecting him to somebody else, but as he developed different feelings towards the person the colours would change – and that would’ve been his only indication for he stopped understanding the concept of feelings over the period of emotional turmoil. After that meeting, he made it a point to pen the colour codes down on his clipboard, taking note that purple denoted respect, blue - friendship, yellow - detest, and black – unpleasant things.

“Yes, somewhat.” The boy nodded gleefully as he folded the wrapper into a small square piece and placed it on the table beside the bed before running his calloused fingers over the cover of the book with a wide grin. He flipped it open and smiled to himself, admiring the slightly yellowed finish of the pages. He paused however, turning towards the stranger before him as his smile dampened into a blank expression. Jinhwan was slightly taken aback by his change and blinked back awkwardly.

“I’m Jinhwan, and I’ll be your doctor for the period of time where you stay here. We’re about the same age so I guess, you can call me Jinhwan.” The said doctor shrugged a little as he spoke and flashed a slight smile at the boy who remained stiff and looked back at him blankly. Shortly after, he nodded curtly and turned back to his book and reached towards the table to retrieve a pencil. Jinhwan bit his lower lip a little too hard as he tasted the metallic finish of blood, wincing a little.

“Um, I need to ask you a few questions if that’s alright with you?” 

“Go ahead, I’m listening.” The patient kept his gaze on the book as his head hung low, his shoulders hunched as he began to write in the book with excitement which clearly didn’t spread to his creased forehead.

“Your name? Or rather what would you like me to call you?”

“Hanbin.”

“What makes you annoyed easily, and what makes you happy-“

“People probing too much into my affairs without me allowing them to, and music makes me happy. Writing makes me happy.”

“Food preferences-“

“No.”

“Well then, what about the nightmare you’ve been having.” Jinhwan flinched a little as he watched the boy stiffen, his hand stopping momentarily, the tip of the pencil hovering over the surface of the cluttered page of the open notebook. His hand then curled into a ball for a few seconds before relaxing. 

“Its always in the same garden, its bright. It’s practically the perfect kind of day for writing outdoors, out on a bench or something along the river. There’s always a bench in front of me, and a boy sitting on it. A peach line connects us both. I’d walk towards him and I’d notice a butterfly on his shoulder. Eventually as I stand behind him, he disintegrates into black butterflies circling around me and I’d fall into a pit where I’d keep running from something. I never see that, something. But I know there’s a presence.” As he spoke, he stopped frowning and nodded slowly, glancing out of the window as though trying his best to recall every detail. 

“Peach line- Wait I only have a few colours here, what does peach mean?” Jinhwan squinted at his clipboard and continued to pen the details down. 

“I don’t know either.” 

“Oh. That’s alright, rest then. I’ll come back tomorrow.” Jinhwan flashed a smile and bowed slightly before walking towards the door, turning back to glance at the boy’s back once again.

“Doctor,” His voice rang out from behind as Jinhwan turned around hastily, “Am I extremely abnormal?” 

“No, you’re not. You’re alright,” Jinhwan glanced over at the clipboard in his hand and blinked at the date written at the top right hand corner with a soft grin, “Merry Christmas by the way.” 

 

captain’s log / 140101; new year’s day.

Hanbin sat facing the window, his legs dangling off the edge of the bed as he balanced his notebook between his knees. His parents had just left after spending an entire morning probing into areas which he had no interest in, their speeches concerning how their neighbours had been generous enough to celebrate the new year with them. He shrugged these seemingly trivial things off as he tried to keep track with the melodies in his head as he watched the colours on the ground fade and saturate repeatedly, without signs of a recognizable pattern. The only thing that had successfully disrupted his reverie amongst the multiple tunes and lines of lyrics running through his head was a light tap on the knee by his younger sister. She stood beside his bed with much difficulty since the bed was clearly too high. She had to tiptoe and extend her right arm fully to allow her fingertips to come in contact with the smooth fabric of his pants. She then looked at him with a slight smile while attempting to prop herself up with her left arm. Glancing at her, Hanbin smiled for a second and placed the book down beside him on the bedside table before reaching over to pick her up and let her sit next to him. As she began to swing her legs along to her older brother’s rhythm, he chuckled softly and pat her head gently. It wasn’t everyday that he got to sit next to her in such a quiet environment, without needing to worry about the things he hadn’t done, ranging from housework to homework and the constant urge to write. As he heard his parents’ voices blend into the faint noises of the other patients in the background, he turned towards his sister, “How have you been? Alright?” 

His sister merely nodded. Even though she had grasped the ability to understand the language rather quickly, she was still young and forming coherent sentences appeared to be beyond her abilities then. This limited her to the basics of the language such as ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and the convenience of nodding in response to his questions. Hanbin squinted in the distance as he felt her lean against his arm, her weight and the pressure exerted on his thin arm increasing exponentially until she fell asleep, her need for rest and slumber ignored by his parents who merely picked her up with expressions of distaste and left the room hastily. Hanbin could only watch before reaching for his book once again. The trail of hues left behind his parents’ footprints resulted in a deep frown on the boy’s forehead as he sensed a lighter tint of yellow circling within the once bright purple hues. 

“How’re you?” A slight smile crept out from the corner of Hanbin’s dry lips as he heard the familiar voice along with the soft plodding of soles against the ground. He listened to the sound of the man’s heavy breathing complemented by the periodic sounds of the clipboard colliding with his chest as he knew his doctor was holding it tightly in some sort of embrace, as usual. Jinhwan tapped the back of the clipboard lightly to a festive tune as he gazed at the patient, taking note of his facial expressions and the little gestures that he made unknowingly. He grinned slightly as he watched the younger boy return his gaze with a light expression with lesser traces of detest and unfamiliarity. He appeared to be much more at ease as compared to during their first meeting and this only served to make the process of helping him easier. Jinhwan always believed that once a strong rapport was established to the extent where conversations could be based off the oddest topics, the rest would be easier. 

“I suppose you’re alright today?” Jinhwan smiled widely as he peeled the clipboard away from his chest and placed it on the table in front of the bed and pulled his pencil out from his pocket, “It’s the new year afterall.” 

Hanbin nodded gently, his eyes fixated on the trees rustling in the wind, leaving him to wonder about the fresh air that he was missing out on due to the stubborn presence of the glass windows. He let out a soft sigh before curling into a ball, leaning against the back of the bed frame after pushing himself back up, “It’s been roughly a week.” 

“Well, yes it has. You’re gradually getting used to the distasteful blankets and the ever so fresh and healthy air you get here due to the large amount of air freshener deployed without any signs of discretion, right?” Jinhwan chuckled a little, “Its alright if you haven’t, it takes some time to be comfortable living anywhere besides home, not to mention a quiet and stifling hospital ward. But you’ll get there.” 

Jinhwan shudder slightly at the silence in the ward as he could distinctly hear the sound of the minute hand on the clock placed oddly on the wall facing the foot of the bed ticking away, its elongated body making its periodic journey across the surface of the circular sheet. He blinked at the patient sitting on the bed quietly as he shuffled about slightly. He was used to moments of prolonged silence, given that several of his previous patients loved falling into the soft embrace of sitting in a corner without speaking. He had gotten accustomed to needing to brighten the dull atmosphere with odd facts and little prompts to get his patients thinking, and to bring them out from their social bubble. His eyes darted across the room as he stopped at the sight of a photo frame placed on the once empty bedside table. 

“Your sister?” He initiated a conversation softly as he heard his voice quiver in the silence of the morning, pointing towards the photo frame briefly. Jinhwan glanced at the vibrant hues of the background, and the smiles plastered across their faces as the boy he recognised as his patient carried his young sister in his arms. His hair had been left to cover his eyes as he noticed no significant traces of dark circles beneath his dark brown eyes. The young boy in the picture seemed to have been void of things to fret about as he genuinely enjoyed the company of his younger sibling to the extent that it seemed to suffice to make him the happiest boy then. 

“Yes,” Hanbin spoke softly after turning to gaze at the photo with his head hung low, “She’s much younger, and she’s really adorable.” As he spoke, his fingers drew circles on his lap before closing onto a small portion of the fabric and squeezing it tightly. Jinhwan took notice of these small actions and nodded while scribbling away on his clipboard, forming a clump of nearly illegible words. 

“Seems like you two are close… Did she visit this morning?”

“Yes of course.” 

“You must be happy then?”

“Well- yes, sort of.” The boy smiled softly, breaking out into a soft laugh as Jinhwan nodded with a grin. 

“That’s great then. Have you been having nightmares?” 

Hanbin paused for a second before nodding, “Unfortunately. But they’ve become less frequent, perhaps thinking less helps quite a bit.”

“What are these nightmares about?”

“The same old things.”

“The exact same things? Does that include every scene and the plot, so to speak?” Jinhwan looked up from the clipboard and blinked at the teenager with concern as he remembered his countless descriptions of a boy, and a great number of butterflies. This always bothered Jinhwan greatly as he too, had his own problems. As much as he was a doctor, he was merely human – and he had his flaws, mentally and physically. Butterflies scared him, and the thought of a large number of these creatures often left deep creases across his forehead. 

“Not exactly, there’s a little change.”

“And that is?” Jinhwan gulped. 

“My father, he appears.”

 

captain’s log / 140207 jinhwan’s birthday.

Hanbin turned to lie on his side to gaze at the water droplets forming against the thin glass sheet which separated him from the darkness of the seemingly cold morning. It was five in the morning, and his usual nightmare had just passed. His father had once again, made his appearance in the dream, successfully causing the dampness in his palms. He would always be the something chasing him for reasons he could not comprehend. Shutting his eyes, he swallowed hard as he heard light footsteps approaching at a familiar fast pace. The scent of damp sweetness drifted across the distance between the figure and Hanbin as he opened his eyes to greet the nurse. He knew her as Jin and she was always this punctual, plodding cautiously into the room at ten minutes past five in the morning to fill the water jug for him. 

“Mornings.” 

“Good morning,” she hummed softly as the sound of water flowing from jug to jug complemented the melodious rhythms of the rain outside the window, “Oh right and Dr Kim might be a little late today. He called in earlier on and apologized for leaving the house late.” 

“That didn’t happen before.” Hanbin mused as he pushed himself up to lean against his pillow as he looked at her with enquiring eyes. 

“His sister wanted to celebrate his birthday with him. They’re an odd family, they insist on cutting the cake right in the morning regardless of Dr Kim’s appointments on that day.” Jin smiled and nodded slightly before shutting the jug tightly with the cap and leaving the room. Hanbin raised an eyebrow and let out a soft sigh. As Jin closed the door behind her, he reached for his notebook lying on the bedside table. Bringing his knees up towards his chest, he placed the notebook on his lap and began to scribble on the empty page on his notebook, keeping this position for a few hours besides the occasional need to bend over to reach for an eraser. 

 

Jinhwan rushed across the street with his backpack strung over his narrow shoulders, a deep frown knitted across his forehead as he groaned at the rain. His sister had gotten especially excited over the fact that he was getting older and repeatedly spoke of the need to get a partner to spend the rest of his life with. He shook the notion off with jovial distaste as he chuckled at her words, his eyes fixated on the candles on the cake reminding him of the dapples of orange light from the lamp sitting next to a photo frame on the bedside table in his patient’s room. Glancing at the time on the watch strapped around his thin wrist, Jinhwan bit his lower lip in frustration. The bus wasn’t coming, and at this rate he would have been late for his usual voyages to his patients’ rooms. After a few minutes, he got back to his feet with anxiety and scurried towards the pavement, picking up pace as he rushed through the stream of strangers moving in the opposite direction. The inability to be punctual was always something that bothered Jinhwan greatly, and making such a mistake on his part wasn’t pleasant – that rainy day being his birthday didn’t give him a valid reason to go against his principles. But running in the rain wasn’t pleasant either. He disliked the feeling of his damp shirt hugging his skin tightly, and let out a soft groan at the thought of hanging his sneakers out to dry. As he reached the main entrance of the familiar building, he stopped and regained his composure before entering. 

“Jinhwan. You’re drenched.” A soft voice rang out from behind him as he stood waiting for the lift. Turning around, he blinked at his colleague for a few seconds before nodding in attempt to catch his breath.

“Ah, yeah. The bus didn’t come on time.” He let out a sheepish grin and entered the lift hurriedly. 

“Take care of yourself, you might get sick if you get wet like that.” The taller man landed a soft pat on Jinhwan’s head before leaving the lift. Still panting, he sighed and leant against the railing in the lift. He had barely closed his eyes for a few seconds before the lift doors opened and a rush for his room ensued. Closing the door behind him, he let his bag fall off his shoulders onto the couch, leaving a wet patch on the dark brown fabric. He pulled a shoebag out and dropped it on the ground, proceeding to sit down and change his shoes. Frowning, he then placed the sneakers next to his desk and drew the blinds before putting his coat on and leaving the room with his clipboard. 

The walk through the quiet corridors left Jinhwan smiling awkwardly to the other staff as he went by sneezing repeatedly. Eventually he paused in front of the room at the end of the corridor and pushed the door open slowly, blinking at the boy sitting curled up in the bed, his feet squirming beneath the blanket. 

“Afternoons.” Jinhwan hummed as he walked towards the boy, his hands fit snugly in his pockets to stop them from trembling in the cold weather. Yet the said boy didn’t reply him, his concentration wrapped up in the bijou locus of the page in the notebook. Jinhwan blinked awkwardly before tilting his head to the side, pulling the clipboard up to place it on the table in front of him. After close to two months of interaction with Hanbin, Jinhwan had grown to be accustomed to his spouts of silence once he got engrossed in the miniscule yet largely captivating world of his notebook. It usually took some probing to capture his attention, only to be told that he was composing a song – and he would have the chords or notes written on amazingly straight lines with a blunt pencil. He rarely sharpened the pencil, resorting to the habit of sharpening it once a week. Hanbin had odd habits, but besides these details he was an ordinary boy – an ordinary boy with a immense interest in music, and he was fortunate that he had a natural flair for it. Jinhwan shook his head and began his routine of asking Hanbin a series of questions ranging from whether he had nightmares the night before to whether he preferred chicken fried or steamed. Eventually, the boy let out a soft chuckle and looked back up at his doctor. 

“Steamed.” He smiled slightly as he placed the pencil down on the book. He was beginning to smile more often, and this made Jinhwan happy. 

“How many times have I asked you this?” 

“Maybe ten,” Hanbin grinned and looked at his book for a few moments before turning back to Jinhwan, “Doctor, do you happen to perhaps, play the piano?” 

“Occasionally.” 

“That’s good. Take this then.” Hanbin nodded as he flipped through the book as though looking for a certain page and tore a set of five pages out with caution before handing the stack to his doctor. Jinhwan appeared to be confused as he walked over and received the set with a light nod.

“Thank you,” As Jinhwan spoke, Hanbin nodded and curled back into a ball, his arms wrapped around his calves as he pulled his knees back towards his chest. Recognizing it as his own way to express his desire to be left to rest, Jinhwan chuckled softly as he picked the clipboard up and started for the door, “Rest well.”

As he closed the door behind him, Jinhwan glanced at the sheets of paper on the way to visit his next patient, roughly recognizing “Happy Birthday” written on the top right hand corner of the first page, followed by a series of bars. 

“Self-composed by Kim Hanbin aka the patient who arrived during Christmas.” Jinhwan read aloud as he smiled widely at the last page.

 

captain’s log / 141022 hanbin’s birthday.

Jinhwan blinks at the alarm clock ringing on his bedside table for a few seconds before remembering the things he had planned to do the night before. He flips his blanket off his body and squirms off the bed with difficulty and proceeds to make his hasty dash to the kitchen. Being careful to allow his sister to sleep enough, he shuts the door to her room slowly on the way to the kitchen. He then leans against the kitchen counter and drinks a glass of water while blinking at the red box which barely fit in his small palm. A picture of a cake dons the front of the box as the doctor stands in the kitchen squinting at the small print on the other side of the cardboard box at 2am; after an hour of sleep. 

Letting out a yawn, Jinhwan rubs his eyes and places the ingredients list and intruction sheet on the tabletop and fumbles slightly while getting he required materials out from the cabinet. It was always amusing to remember the times when the siblings had ventured to the shopping complex down the road to buy pots and pans and baking materials only to leave them to sit in the comfort of the stale cabinet for a year now. Jinhwan grins at the memory and prepares the cake pan before preheating the oven. His next hour is then spent on a series of repeated movements, namely attempting to make the mix, and making stupid mistakes – such as struggling with the mixer and almost dropping the pan on the floor. He heaves a sigh of relief as he places the cake in the oven and sets the timer. He uses a little over two hours, and leaves the house late, barely catching the bus after ignoring his sister’s calls once she woke up to the scent of vanilla and strawberry. Clutching the box tightly with his hands, he sets the box down on his lap as he sits beside the window in the packed bus. He’s always lucky to get the same spot empty as though it belonged to him in some odd manner. He grins at the sight of a group of small children crossing the road happily and looks down at the cake fondly. 

Its 7am when he finally reaches his patient’s room after spending time tidying his own office up and making himself somewhat presentable. He stops in the corridor at the sight of the door being slightly open and peeks in to watch the boy – but he sees another pair of shoes, or rather two pairs of shoes. A little observation reveals that his mother and sister were in the room with him, and Jinhwan smiles at the fact, settling for sitting on one of the chairs outside to wait. 

Hanbin curls up into a ball as he looks at his mother with caution in his eyes. He then shifts his gaze to his younger sister standing beside her with her arms somewhat outstretched, her small fingers tapping the edge of the hospital bed lightly with no particular rhythm. His sister then pauses and looks up at him with a smile, her lips curling up on the two edges as she speaks incoherently. Outside, Jinhwan blinks and barely makes out her message as she wishes her older brother a ‘happy birthday’. 

“How’re you doing recently?” The older female’s voice rings out and Jinhwan leans back against the wall. 

“Fine.” Hanbin’s replies are curt, and he doesn’t display interest in holding a conversation with his mother. Instead, he pushes himself off the hospital bed and reaches out for his sister as he grins and tugs on her arm to pull her up swiftly into an embrace. He then walks around the room with silent footsteps, allowing his sister to fall asleep in his arms as he grins at her. The silence lasts for half an hour and Jinhwan stands up to greet his mother as she leaves, reassuring her with a warm grin. He then picks the small box up from the seat next to him and gets up. He peeks into the room once again to watch the younger boy sit at the edge of the bed, his legs swinging back and forth. Jinhwan steps into the room and walks over with caution before stopping in front of the table and places the box on its surface gently. 

“There you go. Present,” Jinhwan grins as he tilts his head to one side and gazes at Hanbin, “You could take it as a birthday present, or a reward for growing up and staying sane. You’re on tough kid.” 

“Calling me a kid when we’re nearly the same age though.” Hanbin replies with a slight grin as he looks up at Jinhwan for a few seconds before breaking into a wide smile. 

“Those few months makes all the difference.” 

“Vanilla and strawberry.” The patient grins as he brings the box up towards his nose and recognises the mixture of tangy sweetness and thickness. He places the box back on the table, “How long did you take to do this? It smells pretty fresh.” 

“Woke up early for once.”

“Come on, we all know that you wake up early on a daily basis.”

“Especially early then,” Jinhwan nods and points to his eyebags, “Though, as much as its your birthday I have to check on your condition. How are your dreams?” 

“The same, with the addition of my father. And a little more. My father catches me at the end and I fall into yet another pit only to find myself back where I began. The boy is no longer seated on the bench but he’s there behind me. He places his hand on my shoulder and I try to turn to face him but I can’t. The closest I can get to his identity is the little scar on his right hand,” Hanbin pauses, “It resembles a butterfly.” 

Jinhwan nods slowly and scribbles away on his clipboard before letting out an awkward laugh, “Well enjoy your cake then. Since you don’t have any dietary restrictions it was much easier for me to make this for you. And once again, happy birthday.” He bows slightly before walking towards the door. As he does so, Hanbin nods and proceeds to tug at the paper box – and he smiles, the pastel hues of ecstasy returning to him once again. 

 

captain’s log / 141120 

Jinhwan stopped before the door, which was left slightly ajar as he craned his neck forward slightly. The boy sat in the corner of the room as his book lay on his lap, its black cover largely contrasting with the light green hues of the pants loosely hanging off his thigh. The said boy turned towards Jinhwan as he heard his sigh and frowned before turning back to the window. Yet Jinhwan did not enter and leant against the door, his hands kept snugly in the pockets of his coat. He squinted against the sunlight streaming into the room as he noticed little things about the boy – his hair was slightly messier than the day before, he was hunching to a greater extent and his blanket lay in a heap on the ground. A slight smile made its appearance on Jinhwan’s face as the boy began to scribble on a fresh page in his notebook, the sound of the pencil against paper oddly melodious. As the boy stopped writing, he relaxed a little and moved back onto the bed quietly, crossing his legs as he turned back to face the doctor standing in the doorway with a blank expression before breaking into a soft smile. 

“Another song?” Jinhwan chuckled as he began to walk towards the boy with a grin and settled on the couch opposite to the bed in the single ward. He placed the blue clipboard on his lap as he leant forward and wiggled his eyebrows slightly, gaining laughter from the other boy. 

“Yeah, another song.” Hanbin appeared to be comparatively energetic as he nodded firmly while turning towards his book slightly. He reached over to push the cover lightly with his fingertip as the book closed with a soft thud and placed the pencil back on the table next to the bed, “It’s about butterflies and the concept of the string of fate.” 

“String of fate and butterflies? It has to be pretty then?” Jinhwan probed further as he tilted his head towards one side, his hair falling over his eyes slightly. This boy’s songs weren’t always what they seemed, digging deeper into emotions and morality deeper than what an average boy of his age would be able to produce. He recalled the episode where the said patient wrote a song about a scene in a night market only to reveal that it was based on his own childhood, expressing the fact that beneath the layers of make-shift warmth, there were always shadows and grey areas in the crevices of their home and eventually these blemishes formed cracks, leaving him the only tinted fragment thrown out onto the streets. Hanbin stilled for a few moments, his eyes shuttling between two points barely centimetres apart on the bed sheet before drawing a line to join these points with his fingertips. He then let out a soft whimper and looked up to meet the eyes of the doctor sitting across the room with a dim expression. Jinhwan bit his lip and glanced towards the window for a few moments before returning the boy’s gaze.

“Christmas is coming, what do you wish for?” Hanbin’s voice was soft to the extent that it resembled a whisper, the kind of voices which one would hear in the deepest nights before the candlelight, the kind of voice which made Jinhwan feel as though above hearing, he had felt the manner in which the syllables slipped off the boy’s tongue. His sharp enunciations resembled soft indentations of skin as one clenched one’s fist tightly enough to feel one’s fingers digging into the thin sheet of protein over his palm and Jinhwan took a few moments to form a satisfactory answer. 

“There’s still more than a month to go, Hanbin.” 

“Just say it.”

“I wish for the ability to do the things I’ve always wanted to do,” The older boy paused as he blinked at the ground before letting out a soft chuckle, “There are too many things that I’d like to change about myself and its piling up maybe.” 

“Go on.” 

“For one, I feel like as a doctor we aren’t always given the chance to do what we’re really supposed to do. It’s kind of like how in medical school we’d be greeted in the first few lectures with a leathery corpse waiting for us to dissect and that was the deepest that we’d learn about humanity. It bothered me greatly that above morality and mortality we were only given the chance to learn about the human anatomy, to learn about the mechanical functions of one’s shell – never one’s soul.” Jinhwan stopped as he smiled bitterly and pulled the clipboard out from behind him and scribbled lines of words in his scrawly handwriting once again, smiling a little to himself as the notion of the boy getting better flashing through his battered mind, “Why am I even telling you this.” 

“Oh. And doctor, the line between us is no longer purple.” Hanbin spoke after a few moments of silence, as though chewing on his words with much thought. 

“What colour is it now?” The said doctor looked back at the boy as he observed how the boy helplessly curled himself into a ball in the corner of the bed and nodded softly, “I’ll be back tomorrow, rest well.” 

As the shorter male left the room, the young patient relaxed against the bed frame and peered out of the window, “I’m seeing peach hues.” 

 

captain’s log / 141220 

It’s nearly dawn when Jinhwan wakes up. He draws the blinds and squints at the droplets trickling down the glass panel. Its raining again, and Jinhwan thinks that perhaps it’s the world’s way of mocking him for the fact that he’d be alone this Christmas. Christmas was always a season that Jinhwan looked forward to – it was always the time of year in which he would take a day off and spend the day with his sister in the comfort of their cozy, albeit small, house and decorate every corner with icicle lights, stick-on wreaths and of course, the Christmas tree. They would spent hours in the mall searching for their materials, paying close attention to the sizes and even the shades of colour they came in simply because the colours of their walls were hard to match. Jinhwan never quite understood why his sister had been adamant on painting the walls peach despite its suffocating vibrancy. He never remembered her having a liking for bright colours, neither did he see anything special in this hue. Frowning, he turns back to the letter on the table and lets himself fall back onto the sturdy frame of the swirling chair and listens to the raindrops for a few minutes. He then gets up and leaves the room, walking down the quiet corridor. 

A few rooms down, Hanbin hasn’t slept a single wink and he sits with his back against the bed frame, his legs curled up against his chest. It’s almost Christmas, but it’s been weeks since he last saw his sister – he isn’t even sure if he’ll get to see her this Christmas. He hasn’t heard from his mother since their last visit and the only trace of his sister was the photo frame on the bedside table gathering dust. He frowns a little as he hears a knock on the door. Hanbin lets out a soft grunt and mumbles inaudibly while shifting himself to welcome his guest as he pauses at the sight of a familiar pair of shoes. 

“Dr. Kim?” Hanbin rubs his eyes and squints at the petite figure making his way towards him and breaks out into a smile when the said male nods. 

“Mornings Hanbin,” Jinhwan smiles weakly and walks towards the bed with soft footsteps as though he was waddling on a bed of fragile petals, afraid to ruin their finesse, “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I was thinking about my family.” 

“Your sister, in particular?”

“Her only, as a matter of fact.”

“Same here.” Hanbin stiffens at Jinhwan’s reply and relaxes a few moments later before glancing over in his direction. He watches the manner in which his doctor scratches against the surface of his left palm and makes a mental note to be cautious while lurking in the bijou radius of this subject. Jinhwan then proceeds to curl up against the chair as his arms barely encircle his legs; and perhaps in an instant, his patient finds a diagnosis for his own doctor. 

“Your sister isn’t spending Christmas with you this year?” Jinhwan merely nods in reply, “Well that’s a little upsetting, given that both of you usually spend these important days together. You even came late on your birthday because you had to celebrate and cut the cake with her in the morning – how envious.” 

Jinhwan looks up and tilts his head while gazing at Hanbin in confusion – he doesn’t remember telling him anything about his family background, not to mention celebrating special dates with just his sister. Meanwhile, Hanbin reads his doctor’s gaze quickly and breaks out into a slight smile, explaining that the nurse was the one who told him about their habit of celebrating birthdays together, hence he guessed that they did the same for Christmas. 

“Oh, well that’s right. We practically celebrate every special day together and that fact hasn’t changed since we first shifted to Seoul,” Jinhwan returns Hanbin’s gaze with a bitter smile and speaks, “But she’s going to spend her Christmas overseas toiling away in a foreign district filled with strangers speaking in a language which she doesn’t understand. It’s funny isn’t it, how Christmas is meant to be a period of joy and comfort in an area surrounded by those you hold close – yet she’s leaving, she’s stepping out of her comfort zone for the sake of baseless and temporary romance.” 

“Debts?” 

“If endearment were to be measured in the same manner as material riches, yes.” 

“We all have different views on what’s worth and what’s not – as cheesy at it might sound, her love might seem to be more important than anything else and no one is given the right to judge her or correct her decisions because its something personal. Even if it appears to be foolish, that’s the thing that makes it precious – its fleeting, a little stupid but its genuine and completely vulnerable because of that,” Hanbin pauses and his eyes linger on the crumpled sheets, “That’s what makes it worth going for.” Jinhwan merely nods as though in the twilight of his own stupor. The younger boy frowns at the sight of his doctor crumbling; he had never been like this, and perhaps it irritated him to a certain extent – he wasn’t supposed to be this vulnerable, this quiet, nor was he supposed to start drowning. He was always supposed to be in one piece – a sturdy pillar that he could lean on, a bundle of warmth he could run towards amidst the coldest of Seoul’s winter nights; a blotch of pastel amongst the grey skies, they had established that, didn’t they? Jinhwan was meant to be carefree, a soft melody in the crevices of an abandoned concert hall, a flickering candle in the darkness – he couldn’t ever lose the glimmer in his dark blue pupils. He frowns hard enough for his migraine to act up and he finds himself clutching his hair tightly while curling into a ball. Groaning, he musters sufficient strength to reach for his painkillers on the bedside table and as his line of vision shifts from the crumpled sheets to his right, he sees his doctor asleep, his head lying gently against his knees. 

“He must’ve been exhausted.” Hanbin speaks under his breath and decides against consuming another set of pale pink pills. He lets himself lean against the bed frame once again like he had done an hour before, and eyes the peach line connecting them both, filling up the gaps between their shivering bodies, “And perhaps on a bad day, I’d like to become a temporary shelter for you, which would cease to exist once your thunderstorms were replaced by sunshine, because afterall I’m supposed to be the only one who’s tinted, who’s incomplete, no?” 

 

captain’s log / 141225 Christmas Day. 

When Hanbin wakes up, the only thing he remembers is the boy’s shoulders and the familiarity, which lay in the repeated dream. He had once again plunged into the world of his reveries by night, finding himself walking gingerly through a garden. It’s lively, and he honestly misses such environments after being left to fend for himself in the hospital – he misses being able to explore nature along with his sister, and above all; he misses being free. Free form his nightmares, free from being cooped up in the air-conditioned room filled with air freshener, free from reality, perhaps. He walks down the pavement as usual, crimson boots against gravel and he sees the same boy sitting on the bench; a butterfly lies quietly on his shoulder and his father stands forlorn at a distance, his back towards him. Hanbin can only cringe and rub his eyes before moving forward, anticipating the fall – and that’s what he gets. Yet the boy turns slightly as he feels the floor give way, and he captures his side profile. And this is the other image, which he can recall vividly when he regains consciousness. He gasps for air – and he’s met with his doctor’s worried gaze when he opens his eyes once again. 

“That was a huge response,” His doctor says as the end of his lips curl slightly to form a smile tinted with worry, “Another nightmare?” Jinhwan then proceeds to pat Hanbin’s back lightly and sat down on the chair next to him.  
“The same old, but with progress.” 

“Progress?” Jinhwan’s eyes light up a little as he pries the clipboard from his chest and sets it down on his lap to scribble things down once again. 

“The boy- I think I saw his side profile.” Hanbin is still panting, and he hasn’t gotten himself back together. It was appalling, how the glimpse of the boy’s side profile left such an unpleasant aftertaste. He had never woken up with such a huge response to this nightmare and it befuddles him that he felt something new – as though he was frustrated, as though he was met with an obstacle but he wasn’t able to circumvent in time and he had to start from scratch. He sighs and runs his trembling hand through his hair before leaning against the bed frame, limp. Jinhwan shuffles awkwardly on the spot, and on his face hangs an expression of worry. 

“Well I guess I shan’t disturb you further for now but,” Jinhwan fumbles with his clipboard for a few minutes, undoing the clip to get a sheet of paper out, “Here, Merry Christmas.” A Christmas card emerges and with his hand outstretched, he brings the card up to Hanbin’s line of vision and waves it around playfully. As Hanbin’s lips twitch into a mild grin, Jinhwan feels much lighter and smiles brightly. It wasn’t common that he gave patients cards like these, but he felt an obligation to put in the extra effort for Hanbin; perhaps it was because of his advice the day before when they both had sleepless nights, or it could’ve been because of the prolonged period of interaction. He bites his lower lip and finds himself tip-toeing and relaxing repeatedly as Hanbin runs his fingers over the glittery cover of the Christmas card and eventually lets his finger rest on the corner before opening it. For a second Jinhwan feels like hiding behind a pillar, or covering his face with the clipboard – watching his patient of nearly a year read a card he had written felt awkward, for some reason. He squints at his messy handwriting, which donned the light brown paper and cringes, blaming himself for writing it in such a hurry. Whilst watching the younger boy read the lines of embarrassing messages that he had prepared the night before, Jinhwan can’t help but yearn for Hanbin to get better soon. It was true that he did show improvement over the period of eleven months – he had gotten more comfortable around him, and he spoke more; he didn’t spend sleepless nights writing anymore and had his fair share of rest, occasionally plagued with nightmares. The frequency of troubled looks and furrowed eyebrows decreased, yet Hanbin was still tied down by something; things which he wasn’t able to figure out. Jinhwan then understands that what he truly wants is for this boy to be able to lead a normal life like his equals could, to be free of this chronic fear of being judged for the problems he was facing, to be free from reality – but he wasn’t ready to let him leave the hospital, as selfish as it sounded, for reasons which he couldn’t grasp. He frowns slightly and smoothens the hair on the back of his head before shaking his head and turns to Hanbin who’s by now, done with reading the contents of his highly embarrassing letter and currently gazing in his direction. Jinhwan flinches and blinks awkwardly, gaining laughter from the younger boy. 

“That was probably the funniest thing I’ve read by far.” 

Jinhwan can only think of how genuine and warm his laughter was. 

“Was it really,” Jinhwan starts, “I spent a large amount of time on that one, don’t judge.” 

“I’m not judging, in fact I really appreciate your effort and all,” His smile remains, and Jinhwan feels vibrancy in the tone of his voice, “Thank you, and Merry Christmas to you too.” 

“Merry Christmas,” Jinhwan smiles and nods lightly, “Glad you like it. Well I guess its time for rest then, I’ll get going and come by later.” He then turns to leave and as he tilts his head towards his right, Hanbin pauses. As the doctor’s small frame turns round the corner and disappears from Hanbin’s line of vision, he places the card on the bedside table and reaches for his book on the bedside table. He keeps his mind clear and focuses on the image from his dream earlier that morning and lets his hands run – he’s reconstructing the image and he spends an hour doing so with his mind blank as the sheet of canvas on his lap. The sound of the pencil rubbing against the surface of the paper is somewhat therapeutic and he frowns, scratching against his monochrome memories of his dream that night in attempt to grasp the only clue, which he had to point him towards the boy’s identity. He was sure that perhaps being aware of his identity would help in his recovery – it’d help him regain freedom, and in that moment, freedom means the world to him. An hour goes by and he comes to a sudden halt, his head throbbing as a result of his fervent attempts to keep his mind empty. He stares at the portrait and runs his finger over it, smudging the pencil marks slightly. A few seconds pass by, and he lets out a soft chuckle before turning towards the Christmas card on the bedside table. 

“So it’s you.” He mutters and closes the book with a thud yet he couldn’t draw the lines between the correct dots; he doesn’t understand the entire coincidence involved in this discovery. He doesn’t understand the presence of Jinhwan in his dreams doubled up with the peculiar peach hue of the line that connected them both. He stares at the ground and eyes the purple line connecting him and the nurse standing in the corner of the room as she moves over silently with his lunch on a tray and ignores her as she speaks. She frowns and leaves the food on the table before leaving, and he doesn’t shift his gaze until the purple line dissociates once she leaves the room. He doesn’t understand any of these things and what they mean – and he recalls his wishes the night before; for Jinhwan to be a permanent source of solace, to be a steady flow of warmth and ataraxia. He’s largely reliant on Jinhwan and for the first time he finds flaws in the older boy’s reliability – for a second he wishes that perhaps he wasn’t always there when he needed help, but remembers that it was merely part of the boy’s responsibility. A deep frown forms on his forehead, and his migraine returns. Hanbin lets himself drift to sleep once again with the sketch tightly latched in his grip. He’s finally got the answer he wants ; the meaning behind his peach hues, yet he isn’t satisfied – he isn’t sure if this is the answer he was longing for. 

-

Jinhwan leans over his desk and flips through the information sheet in search of Hanbin’s family contacts. He then frowns at the empty spots under his parents’ personal contact numbers and only finds their home number written with light, faded blue ink. Slowly, he makes the numbers out and fishes his phone out from his pocket. Holding the phone against his right ear, he twirls his pen with the other hand. A minute passes before he gets a response on the other end. 

“Hello?” A female speaks in an impatient tone on the other end and Jinhwan flinches. Her voice is slightly muffled and he hears a small girl squealing in the background, along with the sound of plastic against marble. He snaps his finger lightly because he’s gotten the right number, guessing from the fact that Hanbin had a younger sister. 

“Hello. I’m Dr Kim Jinhwan from the hospital, is this Hanbin’s mother, Mrs Kim?” 

“Yes?” She stammers a little. 

“I apologise for prying into your family affairs, but will you be coming to visit your son anytime soon? Its Christmas and I thought it’d be great for him to spend time with his family. He’s been making great improvement but having support from his closest of kin would act as a great catalyst for this process.” Jinhwan speaks slowly, fighting against the interferences in the line. 

“I-” Mrs Kim starts as a crash is heard from behind her and she squeals softly, startled, “I’m sorry but I don’t think that I’ll be able to drop by soon. I’ll call again another time to explain, I have things to attend to I’m sorry. But thank you for calling.” 

She puts down the phone and Jinhwan only hears beeps from the other end of the line. Sighing, he places his phone on the table with a thud and pushes himself off his swirling chair. Grabbing his coat from the coatstand, he leaves his office and turns towards his patient’s room. 

 

captain’s log / day after christmas 

Hanbin places the cup down on the table and grins at the figure sitting opposite him. The café is packed, and the souls around him speak in a language he isn’t familiar with – but the only thing that matters to him at that point of time is the presence of the boy facing him, and the aroma of freshly brewed Arabica. They spend a few hours in the quietude of the chilly morning, basking in raw freedom. They then find themselves sitting shoulder to shoulder in a bus as it drives by buildings, mostly with glass as their façade. Hanbin smiles at the reflection of their smiling faces and leans against the boy’s narrow shoulder, inhaling the sweet scent of fresh flowers mixed with the crisp texture of cologne. The road trip resumes as the bus continues on a straight road, and Hanbin drifts off to sleep as the boy beside him reaches over to grab his hand, their fingers interlocked. 

Jinhwan wakes up with lines from the stack of papers imprinted on his cheek. As he blinks at his watch on his left wrist, he barely contains his squeal and peels himself off the surface of the glass table and rushes to ensure that he was presentable before leaving the room with his coat. As he rushes towards the ward, it dawns on him that its been days since he had proper sleep as a result of his reluctance to return home. He didn’t like a home empty when he returned after a day of work – he had grown used to having the sound of the water kettle on, the droning of the ceiling fan set to the highest speed on a summer’s evening and the air-conditioner wheezing as a result of its old age on a winter morning. He didn’t feel home because of the absence of rhythms written with a knife against the chopping board, he didn’t feel home because of the emptiness permeating the room as he smelt nothing but the musty scent of old wooden furniture – he didn’t feel home because his sister wasn’t around, because he was alone. He rubs his eyes and stifles a yawn before pushing the door open, inhaling the piercing scent of rose air fresheners – at least he wasn’t all that numb. Yet he pauses in the middle of the room and tilts his head to the left; he had never seen such a scene before. He then decides that he must’ve gotten the time wrong, but the sun is shining relatively brightly as it shines in from the translucent window panes, casting shadows on the pastel pink hospital floor. The clock on the wall facing the bed reads nine in the morning, yet his patient lies curled up in a ball on the bed – and he isn’t frowning, there’s no hint of discomfort. Inching towards his patient, he then eyes the Christmas card which is still standing on the table silently, its strength wavering from the wind from the air-conditioning. Jinhwan lets himself fall onto the chair beside Hanbin’s bed with a soft thud and groans as he notices that he had forgotten to bring his clipboard along – but he feels as though for once he doesn’t need it; there’s no need to scribble things down in capital letters reminding him of ways to help Hanbin feel better, there’s no need to classify his notes under urgent and groan at 3am in the morning about how he feels like Hanbin deserves better because it seems like he’s found what he needs. Jinhwan can’t help but smile, his lips curling in all the right angles to paint a genuine soft grin – and chuckles ensue. He watches as the boy’s lips curl similarly, and perhaps if he were to be awake at the moment, the line, which connected them both would illustrate a parallelogram of ataraxia. Jinhwan spends an hour curled up on his seat, observing the manner in which Hanbin’s dry lips had always been tilted upwards on the left end, and how his teeth showed faintly through his slightly parted lips; and it dawns on him that this boy is beautiful. And he truly does deserve the world, regardless of how hackneyed this thought was. He should’ve been given the finest of roses, fragrances – he should have been blessed with a peaceful environment to compose, to write. He should’ve been left to indulge in beautiful reveries. 

He should’ve been- 

“A blotch of pastel amongst the grey skies.” Jinhwan finds himself muttering softly, and the boy shifts from his original position to lie on his back. Jinhwan’s eyes widen as he watches the boy bring his left hand up to rub his eyes before barely opening them. He turns to face the doctor and in that instant, he grins. 

“Hey, I said that line before.” 

“Oh, you’re awake.” Jinhwan flusters and pushes his legs off the chair, letting off a loud thump. Hanbin grimaces at the sudden sound and pushes himself off his bed. As he does so, Jinhwan can only swallow hard and take deep breaths while helping him up. 

“Good morning,” Hanbin smiles slightly as he sits up and blinks at the doctor next to him, his line of vision pausing as he observes his shoulders for a few seconds – afterwhich he smiles with greater vibrancy, “That line earlier, I said it once before.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, Christmas Eve. When you wound up sleeping on the chair and all.” 

“Oh.” Jinhwan stutters and swallows hard, “Well did you sleep well? It’s the first time you slept past 6am- and you were smiling in your sleep.” 

“I didn’t have the nightmare but instead I had a pleasant reverie. A little dream in Thailand where I was accompanied by the boy in the dream. We went places, spent time in a café but he never spoke; yet his presence of was sufficient. It was as though I finally met a dream I didn’t want to wake up from and as I heard your voice and woke up, I could literally feel myself holding onto the scenes in the picturesque evening.” 

“The boy’s identity?” Jinhwan finds his fingers lingering on the side of his coat and he tightens his grip for no reason. 

“Oh you’re going to be surprised.” 

Jinhwan stays silent and merely blinks at Hanbin.

 

captain’s log / day after christmas 10AM

Its just two words, yet Jinhwan sits still in his chair with his confused gaze locked with his patient’s eyes which were gleaming with amusement. Jinhwan simply found it difficult to digest the fact that despite attempts to cure his patient of his repeated nightmares and sleepless nights which nearly left him devoid of emotion amongst the vibrancy of the pastel canvas of sentimentality, he was in fact the one who had caused the problems – and could potentially solve the problem. 

“Wait but how could you have dreamt of me,” Jinhwan chokes slightly at the last word, “when I only met you during Christmas last year. Have we met?” 

“Perhaps.” Hanbin mutters and Jinhwan breathes in heavily. He finds himself shuffling awkwardly on the spot and begins rubbing his hands together because they’ve become too cold. Hanbin chuckles at his doctor’s discomfort and proceeds to lean against the bed frame quietly. He stretches his legs out and lets out a long sigh. 

“Wait hold up I-I’ll be back in the afternoon.” Hanbin merely watches in amusement as Jinhwan struggles to get off his chair without dropping his pen and blinks awkwardly at the floor while making his hasty escape. The peach line connecting them both is of a greater saturation as though its become a sweeter colour and Hanbin can only smile at the hues against the pale pink tiles of the hospital floor – and sort his feelings out piece by piece. 

As Jinhwan rounds the corner towards his office, he nearly bumps into Jin and groans audibly. Jin then frowns and observes his facial expressions with caution before hugging the clipboard which lay loosely in her hands, “Are you alright, Doctor?” She’s never seen him this flustered, and the fact that his cheeks were accoutred with a thin sheet of vermeil tinted fabric worried her slightly. Yet she doesn’t get the reply which she wants and Jinhwan hobbles past her quietly, leaving behind the light scent of rose cologne. As he enters his office, he lets himself plonk onto his swirling chair as usual, and reaches for the phone on the corner of the table. Dialling numbers with his eyes closed, he brings the phone to his left ear and shuts his eyes, letting his head rest against his right fist. The man on the other end answers the phone, and the hint of joviality in his husky voice makes Jinhwan’s lips curl slightly on one end. 

“Jinhwan! Is anything the matter? I’m quite busy, discount doctor.” 

“Who’s the discount doctor here, Dr Kim Jiwon who takes care of little children.” Jinhwan speaks in a whiny voice and lets out a soft chuckle at the end of the sentence. Jinhwan’s been childhood friends with Bobby for as long as he can remember and he still recalls the days where the two of them studied under the candlelight together on the porch fondly.

“It’s still you man, I don’t care,” Bobby guffaws loudly and comes to a halt suddenly, “No but why’re you calling me? Is it the line boy?” Jinhwan nearly chokes at Bobby’s question as he recalls that night where he had spilled all of his concerns out to his fellow doctor when he was half asleep. 

“Yeah. It turns out that the boy in his dreams was me and I don’t understand how that works.”

“Plot twist. But first, does he still have nightmares?”

“Well that, no-”

“You do notice that this means that he’s perfectly fine to be discharged, right?” Jinhwan stills as he hears this statement and shudders. 

“Right. But I still need to try to understand this entire issue, like why I’m in his dream and all- And he might not be entirely cured. I really want him to be well again, like a complete jigsaw puzzle without even the most minute of flaws. He deserves a lot better than he’s going through and it just isn’t fair at times.” 

“Woah there,” Bobby gasps loudly and Jinhwan feels his cheeks heating up, “You sure are doing a lot for him. You do notice that you’ve never shown such interest and concern in your patients and their recovery. You always set your goals at the beginning, and you’d stop once you reached it – you were the one who used to claim that extra hindrance might cause relapses or something like that.” 

“But-” Jinhwan tries to defend himself but he finds himself stuttering and choking on his own words. 

“Let’s simplify things. Let’s leave the entire question as to why you’re in his dream out of the picture for a second and begin from your endless worries and wishes for him to get well. I’ve known you for long enough to know things about you, its been decades and it definitely isn’t exaggeration for me to state that I know you inside out, and that understanding is definitely mutual. I’ve got to put it out there - you’re showing much more concern for this boy than you’ve ever shown to any other individual who entered your office. And I haven’t even mentioned the things you blabbered to me that night when you were drunk over the fact that your sister was leaving – I mean, drunk over a lack of sleep.” 

“What did I mention, I don’t remember.” Jinhwan pats his cheek and frowns at how warm it is. 

“Things that went way past care for a patient, things which I had never heard you use to describe another individual. Things which went along perfectly well with the concept of endearment, commitment and friendship. Now I’m keeping things as subtle as possible, but I trust that you’ll work things out. This conversation has been so cringe worthy, Jinhwan you owe me one. I haven’t said spoke of such raw emotions before over the phone…” Bobby’s whines aren’t heard by the older doctor as he merely holds the phone against his ear without digesting any of the boy’s words. The last thing he hears is a goodbye and he lets the phone slip out of his hands, and he anticipates the thud but he remembers that there’s a coil connecting the phone to the dial pad. 

“Endearment.” Jinhwan chews on the manner in which the syllables slip off his tongue, “It sure does feel like it.”

 

captain’s log / new year’s day. 

Jinhwan wakes up to a series of soft knocks on the door of his office and frowns as he peels his face off the stack of papers on his desk. Pushing himself back up, he rubs his eyes and squints at the clock, which read 4am. Reaching for the doorknob, he twists it to one side lightly to unlock it and pulls it open. 

“Happy New Year.” Jinhwan nearly flinches as he watches Hanbin stand before him with slippers which barely contained his feet properly. He tilts his head to one side and blinks repeatedly, his head barely working. Rubbing the back of his neck softly, the frown on his forehead unfolds itself and he lets out a deep breath. 

“Happy New Year, Hanbin.” He smiles and moves back, motioning for the patient to enter, “Would you like to have a seat?” 

“Sure.” Hanbin drags his feet and makes soft sounds of rubber dragging against the white tiles on the ground before plonking down on one of the chairs. Jinhwan closes the door and runs his trembling fingers through his hair and regains his consciousness entirely before returning to his perch. Facing Hanbin, he notes how the boy’s hair is oddly messy and the dark circles which used to don the bottom of his lifeless eyes had dissipated, giving justice to his light brown pupils. 

“What brings you all the way here this late, you could have gotten Jin to call me over if there was anything urgent.” 

“I didn’t want to give her more problems, its pretty late for someone who doesn’t have odd sleep patterns. And being a nurse seems extremely taxing, so I thought giving her ample rest would’ve been the best thing to do.” 

“That’s really sweet of you.” Jinhwan chuckles and reaches out to flick his forehead softly before retracting quickly with hesitation. He suddenly remembers his conversations with Bobby and gets a little flustered, “But since you’re here I should break the good news to you. In view of your huge progress and all, I discussed it with Jin earlier yesterday and we decided that you’re good to be discharged and you should be able to do well without worries. Over the past year you’ve regained your appetite, your sense of emotions through being able to write in peace, and you’ve begun to talk to us. Even the nurses who used to get awkward because of your aloofness have given us feedback that you’ve become much bubblier and you’re starting to greet them. It’s a huge improvement and although I’m not sure about the catalyst which caused such a huge driving force to make a change, its definitely commendable.”

“I know what my catalyst is though.” Hanbin blinks at the peach line connecting the two of them in contrast to the black leather files on the table and smiles slightly. 

“Oh, you do- Would you mind sharing it?” 

“That aside, do you believe in soulmates or destiny?” Hanbin evades the question and smiles at Jinhwan softly. 

“I, kind of. Though I wouldn’t know if these things worked before my eyes. I’m quite careless and all, and I tend to be clueless about things which do not give me definite directions.” 

“Unless you see lines like I do.” Hanbin’s reply gains laughter from Jinhwan, and Hanbin watches the said boy nod with a grin, “I believe that my catalyst was the fact that I found my soulmate, or at least someone who gives me the inspiration to write. Calling him a soulmate sounds oddly cliché and juvenile, but it’s the most apt.”

Jinhwan squirms in his seat and rubs his sweaty palms together, groaning internally in disgust at his habit. 

“I feel this strong endearment towards this individual, and as much as it pushed my recovery forward it makes me feel especially vulnerable.” 

“Oh.” Jinhwan’s voice is soft and he wavers evidently. 

“Perhaps the vulnerability comes from how these peach hues could get stained easily, from how he’s like pastel amongst the greyest of skies and he’s susceptible to pollution because of the weight of responsibilities and the presence of obstacles which show him his inabilities. Perhaps its because he deserves much more than he’s confined to, and he should be given ample space for discovering the things which he has interest in.” 

Jinhwan frowns at the familiarity of his descriptions. 

“Perhaps its because he’s a doctor but he has his own flaws – and the patient is clearly aware of these loopholes. And he’s been trying to find ways to patch these apertures up with the finest of words; and he’s been trying to weave a patched-up quilt for the person who’s supposed to be doing the same for him.” 

“Wait.” 

“You’re my catalyst, unfortunately – or fortunately.” 

Jinhwan is overwhelmed, and he’s trying hard to process the boy’s words but his mind isn’t listening- and he only hears the whirs from the air-conditioning unit above him and the sound of a pen knocking against the glass table top as it began to lose its equilibrium while trying to balance on his trembling finger. He looks up to meet Hanbin’s gaze and frowns. 

“Your vulnerable side is acting up again.” Hanbin’s taunts, but Jinhwan is too focused on trying to comprehend every word which left the boy’s slightly parted lips. He brings his finger up to his own lips and begins to peel at the dry skin, a little habit which he had had since young – being nervous and disconcerted sent his fingers up to his dry lips and he’d scratch its rough surface. The two individuals sit in silence for close to an hour and Jinhwan finds his strength to speak. He shifts and props himself up with his elbows. 

“I’m not sure about what I’m supposed to say right now in response but I’ll just put it out there. I’ve been told that I’ve worried about you to a much larger extent as compared to my previous patients, and I admit to that. Similarly, I’ve often found myself putting in extra effort just to see a little curl on one end of your lips, I’ve found myself lying in this office before dawn thinking of the song you wrote me on my birthday. Watching you sleep with a deep frown creased over your forehead made me infuriated because I always felt like you were someone who deserved much more, you deserved to be given the chance to pursue a career in music or writing, you were supposed to be blessed with the presence of a supportive family who’d allow you and your sister to meet on a daily or even hourly basis – you’re worth much more than what you’re getting currently, you’re a picture of finesses with a tint of authenticity and warmth and that’s extremely rare. I’ve never felt such strong attachments to any patient, and perhaps I’d admit that its all part of genuine endearment. But that isn’t something that I’m supposed to do, given that I’m afterall still your doctor.” Jinhwan pauses as he tries to keep a straight face, eyeing Hanbin’s facial expressions quietly as he took his time enunciating each and every syllable clearly. 

“I’m getting discharged tomorrow, Jinhwan.” Hanbin replies with a smirk and Jinhwan can only return the smile, and he gradually laughs. 

“You’re really sneaky aren’t you.” Hanbin simply shrugs and smiles smugly before pushing himself off the chair and letting out a yawn. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, ready to be set free into the wilderness of this chilly concrete jungle.” 

“Goodnight, sleep well.” Jinhwan smiles widely and watches his patient shuffle out of the room, listening to the manner in which the sound of his slippers gradually dissociated into silence. 

“He’s such an anti-depressant in so many ways, how to not love.”

Hanbin drags himself towards the ward and crawls under the blankets quietly. Lying against the bed frame, he smiles at the peach line which twirled itself around his wrist. He's found his soulmate, as juvenile as it sounded. And he's no longer alone. 

 

captain’s log / 020115

Jinhwan pauses at the doorway, peering at the boy’s hunched frame as he placed his items gently into his haversack. He blinks at the manner in which the plain black tee clings onto the younger boy’s thin frame snugly with space to spare, and how his hair peeks out from beneath his white cap. A pair of black jeans hangs onto his legs closely and a red-checkered shirt twirls around his waist. With careful steps, Jinhwan makes his way towards the boy and stops in front of the bed. He glances over at the notebook lying on the bedside table and frowns at the manner in which a pencil is stuck in between two pages. It’s uncommon to see this boy stopping if he was in the midst of writing. With the frown deeply imprinted on his forehead, he peels the clipboard away from his chest and places it on the table.

“Seems like I won’t be using this clipboard in awhile.” Jinhwan smiles faintly as Hanbin turns over to meet his gaze, and its only then when Jinhwan notices how tall this boy is. Scrunching his nose up slightly, he groans internally about how he practically towers over him. 

“I guess so.” Hanbin returns the grin, adding a soft chuckle behind it. 

“Going home?” Jinhwan’s question makes Hanbin’s actions come to a halt and the mug in his hand drops onto the bed with a soft thud. 

“Probably not.” 

“Why?”

“Not welcomed,” Hanbin regains his composure and places the mug into his bag before zipping it with one swift motion, “Mom called earlier today, she’s planning to bring my sister overseas with her.” 

“Overseas?” 

“Dad left a week after I got hospitalized claiming that he couldn’t stand a family with a lunatic of a wife and son, and a mute as a daughter,” Hanbin’s fists clench at the mention of his sister, “Apparently I remind my mother of him to a large extent, beginning from how I’m a man to how I act. It disgusts me at times, to think that I’m in multiple ways similar to that man.” 

“Oh.” Jinhwan can only mutter as the creases deepen. 

“I was supposed to grin and say that I was ready to be set free into the dangerous city,” Hanbin chuckles quietly before bringing the haversack back up to his shoulder, “I’m sorry that I spoilt it.” 

At this point, Jinhwan doesn’t speak but simply sighs and shakes his head – he doesn’t understand why this boy is always this raw and genuine, apologizing for things that weren’t his fault or within his control to begin with. Quietly, he follows the boy’s footsteps which leads them to the counter where he gets his documents signed and all – and as he leans over the counter with the icy surface of the metal pen against his sweaty palms, Jinhwan leans on the wall facing the counter, gaining odd glances from the nurse behind the counter. He occasionally meets her eyes, and Jin understands his melancholy because she knows how attached he is to this boy – with the exception of their episodes over the last two nights. Sighing, she returns the forms to Hanbin quietly and wishes him all the best before shooting a worried look over to Jinhwan. 

“Where are you going to stay then?” Jinhwan steps forward and asks as he tries his best to keep the light from the messy constellations of his thoughts away from shining through his minute movements ranging from how he clenches his fists to resist the urge to peel at his dry lips, to the twitching in his cheeks as he forces a smile. 

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go down to the underground pathways and find a little spot- get some cardboard and lie there.” 

“Really?”

“Kidding.” Hanbin attempts to lift the mood and laughs, but he’s aware of how Jinhwan’s lips never curled and he notices his signs of anxiety. Breathing in heavily, he catches Jinhwan’s worried gaze and shrugs. 

“Well then, would my apartment work?” Jinhwan stammers after a few moments of silence, “I mean its just temporary, like you can stay there since my sister isn’t staying with me anymore and its pretty empty.”

A cheeky smile flashes across the younger boy’s face and Jinhwan knows what’s on his mind. 

“No, you’re just staying temporarily until we settle your family issues. That doesn’t mean anything.” Jinhwan feels his cheeks heating up subtly and turns away, coughing. 

“Fine, I take your offer.” 

“Hang around the lounge till six, and I’ll bring you along when I’m done with my work for today.” 

“Can’t I wait in your office or something?” 

“No. Stay.” Jinhwan stifles his laughter as Hanbin, who overgrew him by more than ten centimetres stood before him sulking like a little kid before turning back to walk towards his office. Perhaps he had a reason to return home tonight, for once. Turning back, he watches the younger boy settle onto one of the leathered seats as he reaches into his bag to retrieve his phone. Tilting it to its side, he then begins to punch at the screen – he’s still eighteen, of course. 

 

His office doesn’t feel quite the same, without the pile of notes stacked on the right corner of his desk. Jin is a really quick assistant, and within the hour he spent visiting Hanbin before bringing him to settle his documents, she had busied herself with the task of filing the patient’s records into one of the ring files on the shelf in the corner of the room. Running his fingers over the tag on the side of the file which had Hanbin’s name written on it in black permanent marker, he smiles to himself for a few seconds before pulling it off the shelf. Flipping through the file, he notes their first meeting and how stifling it felt to just stand next to this aloof soul – and he loves how it progressed into stupidity at dawn and speaking at ease with puns and inside jokes. He remembers how Hanbin would curl into a ball in the corner of the room and do nothing but stare out of the window with his book left opened on his lap – and how he ended up making an escapade to his office in slippers. He remembers how Hanbin refused to have his meals and ignored contact, and how he ended up gulping his meals down within five minutes and making jokes with Jin and eventually smiling and greeting other staff. The progress was always what made being a doctor worthwhile, and for a second he forgot about his worries with regards to the limitations of what he could do – he no longer felt trapped within boundaries because being able to help patients was heaven at its best. Flipping to the family particulars page, he sighs and presses the buttons on the telephone with hesitation. 

“Hello?” The lady on the other end picks up the phone with a tinge of uncertainty in her voice. 

“I’m Dr Kim Jinhwan from the hospital, and I would like to inform you that you son has been discharged today. He has improved greatly and he’ll be shifting into his apartment tonight.” 

“That’s nice to hear.” She speaks in a bare whisper, and Jinhwan can hear the excited squeals of a young girl in the background. The sound of plastic against marble ensues, and Hanbin’s mother gasps before the sound of her putting the phone on the table is heard. A few minutes pass before she returns. 

“I understand that your family is currently going under a difficult period, and his sister is growing up so it’ll be hard on you. As much as I can ensure that Hanbin will be safe, I have to reiterate the fact that his steady recovery was partially because of the two of you – the thought of being able to return to society and be a useful family member is often one of the most crucial factors that push patients towards a speedy recovery, so I do hope that even if you aren’t living together, giving him the allowance of weekly visits as a bare minimum would be ideal.” 

“Sure. I can agree to that.” She replies quickly and takes a deep breath after, “I’m sorry I’m really busy at the moment.” Her voice is husky and controlled and its clear that she’s hasty – she’s in a rush to end the conversation before she loses herself in the swamp of emotions that she is wading in. 

“I understand.” Jinhwan replies and puts the phone down. Leaning into his chair, he places his hand on his forehead and watches a pen spinning in his own right hand before taking a deep breath which ends in a wide grin as he leans forward once again to reach for the phone. 

“Discount Doctor Bobby, would you like to head over to my apartment tonight for a little catch-up session.” Jinhwan taunts as he lets his chin rest on top of his left hand, causing him to sit up really straight as his feet tap the ground melodically. 

“Sure, though I don’t know what occasion this is.” Bobby’s husky voice resounds around the quiet office. 

“You’re getting excited aren’t you, your voice is pretty loud buddy,” Jinhwan laughs, “You’ll see tonight.” 

 

captain’s log / 020115 6PM

With his bag hanging off his narrow shoulders, Jinhwan hangs his coat on the coat stand before dusting it lightly. He’d be back the next day faced with a new patient, but he knows that he’d be more open-minded and daring – because he’s found his new reason for spending days shuttling between two rooms which were far apart. Shuffling slightly in his sneakers, he then closes the door behind him before rushing towards the waiting area. As he approaches the waiting area, his lips curl promptly as he sees Hanbin curled up into a ball as his legs hover above the surface of the cushioned seat. His phone is lodged to his leg firmly by his right hand and earphones are placed snugly in his ears – and despite the normality of this scene in the busy indifferent city, Jinhwan adores how Hanbin seems so normal, it feels as though his youth is finally reigning over the worries which used to weigh him down like rusty anchors out at sea; and perhaps he’d take partial credit for being a little buoy to bring him back up to take a breath of fresh air. 

Smiling at Jin, the doctor makes his way towards the eighteen-year old boy and pauses in front of him, “We’re good to go.” 

“Alright then,” Hanbin smiles widely and lets his feet fall to the ground as he picks his phone up and stands up quickly with his feet pushing him upwards, and in one swift motion his arm lands around the older boy’s narrow shoulders, “Jinhwan. Since you’re no longer my doctor, I’ll drop the formalities, I assume that’s alright?” 

Just as Hanbin began to lean closer, Jinhwan coughs softly and squirms out of his headlock, “We’re still in the hospital, hence you’re the patient until we get out of this building. Now lets get going shall we?” With hurried steps, Jinhwan shuffles towards the lift landing, ignoring the snickers coming from behind the counter. His concentration is fixated on the manner in which his stained shoelaces are flopping about as he swings his feet about impatiently, ignoring the increased pace of the boy’s light footsteps from behind him. He finally comes to a halt when his finger comes in contact with the icy surface of the button, and he hears a soft groan resound from behind, “Was there a need to walk that quickly?” 

Jinhwan tries his best to keep a straight face as he lets out a deep breath and runs his hand down the back of his neck repeatedly before nodding. Hanbin smirks playfully and decides that he’d stop pestering Jinhwan until awhile later – as much as he felt the need to tease the older boy, he didn’t want to bring it too far. They walk towards another building, turning in corridors with different colours donning the tiles on the floor and the heavy stench of ironically crisp and light air-freshener is the only indication that serves to remind Hanbin that they’re still in the hospital and he’s terribly lost. Following behind Jinhwan, he quietly settles for observing the manner in which his shoulders bounce slightly which each step he takes – and he remembers dreaming of the butterfly resting on them; and he’s reminded of the peach line that was still, at that moment, curled around his wrist. And perhaps after half an hour of walking, Jinhwan’s feet come together in a halt and Hanbin pauses at a distance. Knocking on the door, Jinhwan pushes the white door open and beckons for Hanbin to enter. 

“Discount doctor buddy!” A husky voice calls from in the room as Jinhwan walks in and as Bobby sees the unfamiliar face, he grins widely, his eyes forming two curled lines as he stands up, “Nice to meet you, line boy.” 

“Line boy-” Jinhwan distorts his face into a picture of disgust as Bobby merely laughs playfully. 

“I’m Hanbin, nice to meet you.” Hanbin smiles faintly, a little confused as to the reasons why Jinhwan had decided to bring him to visit this doctor who apparently took care of children. Turning towards Jinhwan, the older boy motions for him to hold on and Hanbin simply nods – he listens to him instinctively, and he wonders if it has something to do with him being his doctor once. 

“You’ve met him, now can we get going?” Jinhwan speaks in a half whining voice as he places his hands in his pockets and wiggles slightly, this gains a series of guffaws from the male behind the table as he nods hysterically and gets up to remove his coat. Hanging it messily on the chair, he then picks his bag up from the corner of the room and follows the two other boys out of the room. 

 

The ride home consists of Hanbin leaning against Jinhwan’s shoulder, intentionally or unintentionally, as he falls asleep and Bobby snickering cheekily from the seat behind them as the bus drones on along the quiet evening street. Its interesting how the bus is relatively empty this evening and watching the city go by as the citylight become mere streaks of neon makes Jinhwan realize how long its been since he last went home. Sniffing softly, he turns over to watch the younger boy sleep with an evident curl on the corner of his lips, and he smiles – and reaches for his hand. They lock fingers, and Jinhwan begins to suspect that Hanbin wasn’t really sleeping. 

The bus pulls into the last stop and its their cue to alight. Jinhwan tugs on the younger boy’s hand lightly as he watches him open his eyes and look about in a daze, and as they stand up Jinhwan nearly falls over as he sees Bobby asleep with his mouth wide open. Slapping the doctor’s lap hard with a roll of newspaper, Bobby jolts awake and smiles sheepishly before grabbing his belongings and rushing towards the exit. The three boys stand on the empty street at eight at night, and the wind is oddly chilly – Hanbin sniffs and reaches for the sweater tied around his waist as he flips it on in one smooth motion. Jinhwan blinks at him and laughs lightly before reaching out to ruffle his hair which peeked out from beneath his cap – and this gained yet another squeal from Bobby, their self-proclaimed shipper, which Jinhwan would never admit to enjoying. As they enter the air-conditioned lobby, Jinhwan sighs and greets the guard with a curt smile and proceeds to press the button. After a silent lift ride, they reach Jinhwan’s unit, and he shudders mildly at the lack of his sister’s favourite pair of sandals lying neatly outside the house – but he shakes it off quickly and places his sneakers at that exact spot before pushing the door open. Reaching for the light switch instinctively, the lights turn on to reveal his neat serviced apartment. Bobby hurries towards the kitchen and flicks the refrigerator open only to groan at its emptiness. Jinhwan shakes his head and reaches over to tug on Hanbin’s hand, pulling him in quickly. 

“Here, this is your room from now on.” Pushing the door to the second room open, Jinhwan pushes Hanbin in lightly. Hanbin takes cautious steps as he enters the neat room and gazes in awe at how everything seems to be in perfect order – there are no newspapers strewn across the floor, neither are there wires connecting to different appliances everywhere; everything seemed entirely different from the place he used to call home and he loves this environment. Placing his haversack on the floor next to the table, he runs his fingers over the dust-free tabletop and pats the lamp sitting on the right corner of the desk. Jinhwan grins as he leans against the door frame and watches Hanbin acquaint himself with the room. He can sense his happiness, and it rubs off on him – unknowingly, he begins to smile vibrantly, “Do you like it?”

“Of course I do,” Hanbin turns around quickly and walks towards Jinhwan, “I actually love it. Thank you.” 

“No problem.” The shorter male smiles and reaches over to pat his shoulder, trying his best to ignore the striking height gap. Hanbin seems to notice the slight twitch in Jinhwan’s expression and grins sheepishly, smoothening the hair on the back of his neck and adjusting his cap awkwardly. 

“I keep feeling like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing,” Bobby’s voice reverberates through the small apartment, “I shouldn’t be shining this brightly, as a little light bulb between you two.”

“Aw Bobby.” Jinhwan cooes as he chuckles and drags Hanbin out to the living room. 

“I should get going though,” Bobby scoffs as he picks his bag up, “My babe’s waiting at home for me, can’t let her wait you know.” 

“Right, your babe.” Jinhwan rolls his eyes as he remembers that Bobby treasures his pug greatly and rushes home after work just to take care of her. She’s under his brother’s care in the morning but he never really trusts his brother enough to leave his pug alone with him at home for the entire day. 

“Have fun you two.” Bobby chuckles once again as he shoots a wink at the two of them before hurrying down the dim corridor. Jinhwan closes the door and leans against it as he gazes at Hanbin. 

“Hungry?” 

Hanbin nods and Jinhwan nearly melts at how confused Hanbin looks. He simply sits in the living room on the black carpet with his legs crossed as he looks about with a blank expression. Trudging towards the kitchen, Jinhwan reaches for the upper cabinet with his arms fully outstretched and he tiptoes lightly to pick the seafood instant noodles packet. He remembers that Hanbin always preferred the seafood menus when he was asked to decide on his meals for the month, and he now opens the seasoning packet, being careful to pour only three quarters of the enticing powder into the boiling water. As he drops the noodles in, he picks the wooden chopsticks up from the marble tabletop and splits them quickly before using them to stir the noodles gently – and he proceeds the crack eggs into the soup base before rinsing his hands and resuming to poke at the noodles with the chopsticks. Half a minute passes and he covers the pot with the cover, placing the chopsticks on the tabletop once again. He stands there with one arm placed on his hip as he watches the water boil excitedly from within the pot until he feels pressure on his shoulders, and tilting his head, he notices Hanbin standing behind him with his head resting against his shoulders. Jinhwan grins at the boy’s actions and stands still, his shoulders moving up and down periodically with his breathing. Toying around with the chopsticks lying on the tabletop, he blinks at the noodles and stiffens as he feels Hanbin’s arms wrap around his waist. He stifles a laugh and instead lets out a soft squeal. 

“It tickles.” Jinhwan laughs as he turns backwards to face Hanbin. 

“Does it really?” The taller boy chuckles and proceeds to wiggle his fingers, tickling Jinhwan on his sides as the said boy squirms helplessly, falling entirely into Hanbin’s arms. He eventually turns around and ends up wrapping his arms around the younger boy’s waist. 

“Its really disconcerting that even though I’m older I’m this much shorter. But that’s not the point, point is I’m glad, I’m really glad that you’re doing better. I’m really glad that you’re starting to find yourself, that you’re getting happier, that there aren’t unnecessary anchors chained to your worn ankles. And above all, I’m blessed to be able to witness this change.” Jinhwan mutters as he clings to the boy’s thin frame. Hanbin is slightly taken aback at his sudden actions but he soon melts into pure euphoria and returns the hug. 

“I’m blessed to have been put together by your presence – your disquietude with regards to my condition, your endless list of irritants, your mere presence being an anti-depressant; I couldn’t have ever asked for more, as hackneyed as it may sound.” 

“Oh I forgot to tell you about something – I spoke to your mother earlier in the morning, she agreed to let you visit your sister weekly.” 

“Really?” Jinhwan loves how Hanbin’s expression brightened instantly as he pulled away to face him. 

“Really really.” 

“God, that’s just-” Hanbin gasps as he laughs genuinely, his smile raw with his lips curled at all the right angles, and he becomes incoherent, teeming with vibrancy and sunshine hues brighter than the peach hues which encircle his wrist – and this is exactly what Jinhwan would’ve dreamt of. A blotch of pastel amongst the greyest of skies, a beautiful contour of expressions amongst moulds reduced to ashes, a stream teeming with zest amongst the silence of the night. 

“I need to cook, Hanbin.” Jinhwan chuckles as he squirms out of the boy’s embrace and pours the noodles out into two bowls before bringing it to the once empty dining table, settling the cutlery down. 

The two figures huddle over the warmth emanating from the instant noodles in the chilly night, and bask in the mellowness of solace and ataraxia they had both found within the company of each other.

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a christmas fic?? but nonetheless.


End file.
